The Badge Archive

The Traditional version is If I Were Not a Boy Scout, but it can be adapted for girl scouts or mixed gender scout groups.

This song is often used as a Campfire Skit.

Recordings

• YouTube – Camp Mike 2010
• YouTube – Camp Baker

Lyrics

Now I’m a [Boy/Girl] Scout, as you can plainly see.
But if I weren’t a [Boy/Girl] Scout, . . .

• A bird watcher I would be (Hark a lark, flying through the park, SPLAT!)
• A farmer I would be (Here’s a cow, there’s a cow, and here’s another yuck!)
• A dairy farmer I would be (Give, Bessie, Give – Baby’s gotta live)
• A mermaid I would be (Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop!)
• A fireman I would be (Jumpedee Jumpedee Umm Splash)
• A policeman/cop I would be (Chocolate cover, cream filled, Chocolate cover, cream filled OR Bang, Bang, Bang, stop or I’ll shoot.)
• An ambulance driver I would be (Scrape ’em off the pavement, put ’em in a bag.)
• A medic I would be (Turn around, drop your pants, jab, jab, jab!)
• A doctor I would be (Take a pill; pay my bill! I’m going golfing!)
• A hippie I would be (Peace! Love! Never cut your hair! OR Hey Man! Cool Man! Far out! Wow!)
• A beggar/hobo I would be (Money please, money please, Hey I found a quarter.)
• A baby [toddler] I would be (Mama, Dada, I wuv you!)
• A cashier I would be (Twenty nine, forty nine, here is your change, sir!)
• A hairdresser I would be (Twist it! Tease it! Tie it in a bow! Woo!! Twist it! Tease it! Tie it in a bow! Woo!!)
• A DJ I would be (Miles of smiles on the radio dial.)
• A lawyer I would be (Guilty – Innocent – (Pause —) I don’t really care! OR Honest. I swear, My client wasn’t there)
• A secretary I would be (z-z-z-z get the point, z-z-z-z get the point?)
• A typist I would be (Ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka, ticka, ZING!)
• A politician I would be (Raise the taxes, lower the pay, vote for me on election day!)
• A lumberjack I would be (Chop the tree, chop the tree, I hate Ecology)
• An engineer, I would be (Push the button, push the button, kick the darn machine.)
• An electrician I would be (Positive, negative; turn on the juice-ZZZT! OR Positive, negative, bbzzzzt -ZAP!)
• A plumber I would be (Plunge it, flush it, look out below!)
• A carpenter I would be (Two by four, nail it to the floor!)
• An undertaker I would be (6 x 4, nail them to the floor.)
• A grave digger I would be (Six feet down, plant ’em in the ground.)
• A grave robber I would be (Six feet up, chuck ’em in the truck.)
• A house cleaner I would be (Ooh, a bug; squish it in the rug!)
• A laundry worker I would be (Starchy here, starchy there, starchy in your underwear!)
• A garbage collector I would be (Lift it, dump it, sort out the goodies OR Pile that garbage. Pile that garbage. Pile it to the sky.)
• A preacher I would be (Hallelujah, amen, pass the plate around again. OR Well, well, you never can tell; you might go to heaven, or you might go to …)
• A college student I would be (Party, party all night long. Party, party all night long.)
• A teacher I would be (Sit down, shut up, throw away your gum!)
• A gym teacher I would be (Push ups, Sit ups, Run another lap! OR We must, we must, improve the bust!)
• A bus driver I would be (Turn it, swerve it, push it to the floor OR Swerve, Skid, I almost hit a kid.)
• A truck driver I would be (grind them gears — been doing it for years!)
• An airline attendant I would be (Coffee, tea, or me, sir; here’s your little bag, BLEH!)
• A life guard I would be (Swim Jimmy swim, I’m not getting in! OR Look so fine, Look so fine, no tan line OR Save yourself, Man. I’m working on my tan!)
• A cook I would be (Mix it, bake it; heartburn-BURP!)
• A baker I would be (Donuts! Eclairs! Buy My Buns!)
• A chef I would be (French toast, fried chicken, what the heck is that?)
• A butcher I would be (Chop it up, grind it up, make a little patty!)
• A ice cream maker I would be (Scoop It! Slush It! That will be a dime!)
• A pizza maker I would be (Toss it, turn it, throw it in the air (make motions, turn around) Toss it, turn it, – got it in my hair OR Make a da pizza, make a da pie, choppa da onions and make a me cry)
• A pizza driver I would be (30 minute, fast delivery!)
• A cyclist I would be (peddle, peddle, peddle, peddle; ring, ring, ring!)
• A clam digger I would be (Dig one here, dig one there-Oh my frozen derriere!)
• Superman I would be (It’s a bird, it’s a plane, where is Lois Lane?)
• Lois Lane I would be (Get away, get away, get away, Clark Kent! OR Superman, Superman, what a dreamy man!)
• A ballerina I would be (Spin! Twirl! I think I’m gonna hurl!)
• A statute I would be (Strike a pose as a statue without moving the rest of the song)
• A tree I would be (Hold up tree branches for a few seconds)
• A storm I would be (Thunder, lightning, very very frightening!)
• A baby [toddler] I would be (Mama, Dada, I wuv you!)
• A ranger I would be (Get eaten by a bear, see if I care.)
• A camp director I would be (Do this, do that, Hmmm, I think I’ll take a nap)
• A scoutmaster I would be. (SHUT-UP!! SHUT-UP!! Go to bed. OH my gosh my aching head!!)

End with:

• A [Opposite organization] Scout I would be!

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References:

• Cole. “Scout Songs: The 7 Best Campfire Songs to Sing with Your Troop – ScoutSmarts.” ScoutSmarts, 9 July 2021, scoutsmarts.com/scout-campfire-songs/. Accessed 19 Apr. 2025.
• “InsaneScouter – If I Were Not a . . . Scout – Activities Songs.” WackyScouter, 2025, wackyscouter.org/resources/activities_songs/if-i-were-not-a-scout_1897. Accessed 19 Apr. 2025.
• “USSSP: Songs – If I Weren’t a Boy Scout.” Usscouts.org, 2024, usscouts.org/songs/ifiwerent.asp. Accessed 19 Apr. 2025.
• “If I Were Not a Boy Scout – Lyrics.” Scoutsongs.com, 2025, http://www.scoutsongs.com/lyrics/ifiwerenotaboyscout.html. Accessed 19 Apr. 2025.
• “There’s Nothing I’d Rather Be Camping Song Lyrics Midi.” Campingdude.com, 2025, http://www.campingdude.com/content/song/theres_nothing_id_rather_be-487.asp. Accessed 19 Apr. 2025.